back from vaca....and ive tapered fully OFF the prednisone. the last four days of my taper (at 10mg a day) were the hardest.
i wont lie. i did let myself participate in an alcohol binge over the past few days. my honey took me to palm beach for a long weekend - just because - and we enjoyed every moment - and to me, enjoyment at the time also meant grey goose and grapefruit cocktails all day long. it was great, except for those sudden reminders of why i shouldnt be drinking on these meds. my body felt OK....but my mind felt scrambled. it was weird i get an instant "cold" feeling and it feels like every cell in my body could care less about anything. it's like being washed over with a giant feeling of "fuck you." and i could live happily in solitude for the rest of my life.
no, i dont want that, but it's hard to care about anything at all when youre always feeling angry, moody and sensitive.
it's also hard to get out of the "empire state of mind....." fast enough to enjoy a real vacation..... to be somewhere where people eat dinner at 6pm, watch some TV and are in bed by 9......
we were going to dinner at 9.45pm and wondering where the hell everyone was on a saturday night and asking why everything closes at 10pm. it was hard to snap out of the "gotta go and do and see and be seen and scope the scene...."
i also wasnt monitoring my diet closely. and NO, being emotional from steroid meds and puffy from alcohol and high fat/high sodium foods didnt make me feel any better. i found myself wrestling with my mind throughout most of the trip.
i did workout a little - a hard and intense shoulder session with some plyos on the first day....and also did an early am 2.8 mile run along the beach. but for the deliberate abuse on my body, i knew i shouldve been doing more. in fact, i felt utterly guilty for not doing more. some would say "youre on vacation....relax!" but to me, working out and eating well IS relaxing. it's when i dont do that, that i feel edgy and nervous. nervous that i have been working so hard just to toss it away....like so many other people do. nervous to be like "everyone else." i dont wanna be like anyone else.
but by the third day of the trip, i decided to keep the pretentiousness packed away - my heels and sparkly jewels went back into my suitcase. ill save the tight dresses for another time and instead opted for bathing suits and flip flops sans makeup. i felt better. i felt free. i cared not about what i ate the previous days and didnt beat myself up about the choices i made. i knew i wasnt going to turn into a fat pig overnight. i just dont have it in me to let myself go.
im back with a reworked plan - since it was about that time for it (every 4 weeks or so). my mind is racing about a million things. i still feel like i need to get away. or go away.
