Healthy with Shani

Yes! Today I am THIRTY years old! And I do feel "different." I've never been afraid to make changes, but lately it's been too easy to live in the past and look back at how life "use to be" before moving to New York. Remember the "Sunscreen Song"? 'Live in New York but leave before it makes you hard.' Well, for a while I felt like I was overextending my stay - wearing out my welcome. These past few years have been a whirlwind testing my sanity, my strength, my patience and my mental ability to push forward despite numerous road blocks. It did change me and I'm still coping with who I am. I am learning to accept. I am learning how to be who I want to be. But regardless I'm still here and Im still fucking kickin'!. Turning 30 makes me feel like I can appreciate the mistakes I made in my 20s and that I have complete control over my own emotions and feelings. It's amazing how today nothing feels different b...

if youve ever driven over one speed bump, you know that there will probably be a second.  your reaction is to slow down enough so you can anticipate the next one and avoid blowing your tires or causing damage to your vehicle's undercarriage. I woke at 4am Wednesday with the most painful, stabbing stomach pains I have ever experienced.  For fear of the hassle of going to the ER at 4am, I decided to suffer through the pain and try to sleep. By 6.30am I was so exhausted from being in pain that I just fell right asleep.  I woke up an hour later and felt the lingering ache in my tummy.  It was that same lingering discomfort that I had been feeling for about a week.  I chalked it up to being a side effect of the Prednisone. So, basically, I called my Doc at NY Eye and Ear, left a message with his secretary who called me back after she spoke to him and said "STOP PREDNISONE NOW - GO TO THE ER!" Whoa!  Ok Im going now.  I spent the day in the Lenox Hill ...

I posted a blog a while back about my episodes and two year darkness living with an eating disorder - bulimia. I ended up deleting that post just a few days later feeling too "exposed" - it was graphic.  Perhaps one day I'll post about it again, but that's the past regardless. The future and present is full of health. My mind wrestles me now and again in regard to my eating habits because of what I did to myself in the past.  I was hard on myself and put unnecessary pressure on myself to be trim to the point of hurting myself to ensure that the weight didnt stick.  After competing, I no longer knew how to eat "normally."  I wanted to do a competition prep diet all the time because my results were so fast but I also didnt know how to enjoy a meal that wasnt part of the prep diet.  And that threw me into the emotional loop that held me tight for too long. How do I feel today?  I know that if I adhered closely to a nutritional plan, then my results in ...

I'm looking forward to turning 30 in less than a week. It's a tad bittersweet to lose that "2" until the next lifetime, but at the same time another decade means a timeline by which to gauge life events and growth. I'm not exactly where I'd like to be in my life - right now. My twenties were filled with triumphs yet awkward moments that felt like an extension of my traumatic adolescence. I made the same mistakes many times and wanted to give up for no other reason than simply feeling "cursed." But I'm far from "cursed." I'm heading in the right direction and even in my early 20s I always imagined I'd be the person I always dreamed of being 'in the threes.' I'm excited. This is gonna be awesome.

Like a zombie the clock struck 5.25pm and I pushed my desk away, jumped up with my pre workout in hand and headed over to the water cooler to mix it with some cold water and chugged. I grabbed my bag, headed into the bathroom and changed. Then I said .... "nah...I'm not gonna go tonight. I'm sore and tired and I work so hard and I'll get home late and I'm PMS'ing and I feel chubby and I ate pretty OK today..." I'll take a night off. Yeah, I'll get back to Brooklyn early and just rest. It'll be nice to sit on my couch. Dressed to workout, I Pushed through the revolving doors on Park Avenue and crossed 59th st. I waited to cross Park Avenue. I crossed Park Avenue....heading the opposite direction of the subway entrance on Lex and 59th. Halfway across Park I realized 'Wait!? I thought I was gonna go home?' 'Dammit. Ugh fine. Why would I turn back now - that'd be stupid. I can do soooomething. I'm being lazy...

yesterday was full of high-highs and low-lows.  today has been more even toned....at least so far. ive decided that with my ongoing medical monitoring and creeping inflammation in my system that I will postpone the NPC stage I had my gaze set upon in Oct and Nov. a good girlfriend of mine used to say "the stage will always be there when you're ready."  and it's so true. my body is not ready.  physically....systemically...my number one focus above my fitness is getting to the bottom of what is causing my inflammation so that i can crush the source.  it can be mentally toughening enough to train for a show and work with nutrition and training to achieve a stage ready physique.....it's another quest altogether to endure disease treatment.  both avenues mixed had been leading me to an emotional and mental dead end. it's called prioritizing.  as much as I am all or nothing regarding my fitness, I have to shift that burning desire to being cured with comp...

So I went to see my doc at NY Eye and Ear this afternoon and did not receive news I was hoping for - though the foggy vision and extreme knee pain was already my indicator of what kind of news I would get. My current medication routine is not working.  So Dr Samson has placed me back on Prednisone - 20mg indefinitely on top of my 2g daily Cellcept.  My joints have been extremely inflamed so I will see a Rheumatologist this Friday to start treatment from that end of the disease. Yes, I am angry.  Fucking pissed off.  But....I know how this kind of anger brings issues with this disease.  So I force myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and just fucking deal.  I learned the hard way last year how un-managed stress and anger can aggravate my symptoms in a truly viscous way. I'm still fighting hard.  That wont stop.  I know that there is a valid and solid reason not yet seen why I am experiencing all these symptom and issues. Perhaps my ultim...

you may feel you dont have much right now....but you have something special. think.  there's something that means everything to you. so why not give it your everything? was there a goal you had big hopes for achieving? regardless of what happened in the far or recent past...if you wanted it to happen, you would have made it happen. if it didn't happen - then why didn't it?  did you give up?  why didn't you allow yourself to succeed? regardless, are you still pushing forward?  and by pushing i mean PUSHING.  throw your weight into it and over take what you're after.  who gives a fuck what anyone else says about that thing that means the world to YOU. it doesn't mean the same to anyone else.  you have your reasons.  besides, why do you need reasons?  they're excuses in disguise.  make no excuses to anyone.  and most importantly, do not make excuses to yourself.  youre all you have.

for a while i had an issue with indigestion while training if my pre-workout meal consisted of anything other than whey and oats.  Even my oats and whey was a gamble some days. what i have found truly helps me to avoid that "lump in the throat" or "rock in the stomach" feeling while training is consuming a small cup of green or black tea with my pre-workout meal. it really has helped my digestion all around, and i make it a point to have tea and plenty of H2O with every meal. ....no more feeling like im gonna lose my chicken and broccoli during squats....

as hard as I worked last week was as hard as I didn't  work this weekend. but i freaked out this morning.  no lie - my mood flipped and i just threw my hands up as i was prepping my meals and i cried my eyes out. i just felt overwhelmed about so much - there really are no problems, there is just this moment, right?  what happens when this moment is consumed prepping for the next.  what happens when you spend so much time prepping and planning that youre unable to just BE?  that thought hit me like bricks as I was monitoring the ticking clock and trying to cut up 10 servings of chicken and make my breakfast at the same time.... im just being a big baby.  a big whiny baby. and i didnt work out on friday or saturday.  im SO tired.  im PMSing big time.  im talking myself into being in a better mood today. on the BRIGHT side, i have a new meal plan that is making me feel more organized about my calorie intake and macros.  gdamn i o...

The alarm went off at 5.01am but my blankets and pillows were swallowing me and I gave up fighting my way out and instead surrendered to the rapture of white on white down, satin and fabric in an obnoxious thread count. Virtually incapacitated, I started a conversation with myself: "How badly do you want this, Shani?  How badly??" "Really badly....?" I muttered to myself with uncertain tone and an upward inflection.... I repeated this question and unenthusiastic answer for about twenty minutes, pausing occasionally to smash the snooze button on my alarm.  If I am going to get out of this fortress, perhaps I need to ask a different question.  I am not believing myself enough to get up right now. Aha! "I dont believe you Shani.  A week from now, will you have wished you had gotten out of bed this morning to go on your run?  A month from now?  A year from now?" Before I could answer, the covers suddenly parted and my mattress ejected me.  Wi...

Sprinting on a woodway has been my favorite indoor cardio these days. I sprint for 30 seconds....jog for 60....side step at a moderate pace for 30 sec each side....walk backward for 30 seconds....turn it around and crank the speed until I'm about to die. And I do this from 15-30 mins depending on what that particular session calls for. And I LOVE it!! Today I fell off the treadmill. And it wasn't during the 8.5 sprint it was during my 2.7 cool down. It made me giggle. I don't get embarrassed when stuff like that happens in the gym. So what if others laugh - it looks funny. And it's pretty apparent that I work my ass off. Im allowed to occasionally fall off a piece of cardio equipment. 8.5. Damn. I didn't think I'd EVER see that speed on my treadmill. I just keep aiming higher and working harder!! Today I feel like I received a payback from all this continual effort. The reward? 8.5 for 40 seconds :) Oh....and two people, in 2 separate...

Ive been feeling really good lately - healthy and clear-headed....for the most part.  Daily I still struggle with apathy and general laziness, but my inspiration is refreshed when I think about the road ahead.  I am excited for what the future will bring me. For about 2 years I've followed Mike Dooley's writings - books, articles and "Notes from the Universe/"  He continually drives home the point of "worry NOT about the HOWS." And whenever I find myself feeling anxious about future matters or when I sit and wonder how something is going to happen - I think about the exact thing I can do at that moment to bring me closer to living the life I am imagining.  Those thoughts usually carry me to the gym, or stick in my head when I feel a devil on my shoulder urging me to "eat the cake."  I've clung heavy to fitness and know that my calling is in this field.  I remain open to all possibilities and have a plethora of plans without current action. ...

back from vaca....and ive tapered fully OFF the prednisone.  the last four days of my taper (at 10mg a day) were the hardest.   i wont lie.  i did let myself participate in an alcohol binge over the past few days.  my honey took me to palm beach for a long weekend - just because - and we enjoyed every moment - and to me, enjoyment at the time also meant grey goose and grapefruit cocktails all day long.  it was great, except for those sudden reminders of why i shouldnt be drinking on these meds.  my body felt OK....but my mind felt scrambled.  it was weird   i get an instant "cold" feeling and it feels like every cell in my body could care less about anything.  it's like being washed over with a giant feeling of "fuck you."  and i could live happily in solitude for the rest of my life.  no, i dont want that, but it's hard to care about anything at all when youre always feeling angry, moody and sensitive. it's also hard to get out ...