(for cass)
Like a brick through my heart, I woke up with a gasp and started crying. It hit me too suddenly that you were hurting. And through your hurt, my own kept me from being there for you.
But I couldn't ignore or push away this feeling anymore and it quickly became hard to breathe through the surge of emotion.
So I jumped out of bed to do the only thing I could do when I feel helpless.
Powerless.
I blew my nose and dried my eyes, dressed, laced up my sneakers and looked out the window at the dreary gray that colored my path. The sky cried for you, too. These tears were hard to decipher - are they sadness or joy? Are they pain? Hope?
All I know is that I have to run. And I have to run to you. Not for you. To you. I need you more than you know and your presence in my life is a gift. I only fear never having the chance to whisper that in your ear. That thought shakes and saddens me.
It's easy to be alone until you realize that you're lonely.
This morning I ran to you. As far as I could and until my legs couldnt support the weight of my emotions anymore. And when I found you I held you tight and told you that the very thought of you lights up my soul. Thinking about you never being there to run to is frightening in a way that I don't know how to fight.
I fight so often....in so many ways but that battle is achingly unfamiliar to me.
The thought unravels me.
I do more than pray these days. I exert my energy and hope that my movement and force will align things perfectly elsewhere - that my movement will align things perfectly in your life.
Is it working?
Or should I stop and feel. Because I miss being still....with you.
