when you're recovering from an addiction, the possibility of relapse always remains below the surface. the longer it's been since you've partaken in your addictive tendency, the deeper that addiction will be buried below the surface. but it is still there.
Yesterday I had another successful day of goal oriented eating. My workout was strong and intense and I felt great and was looking forward to heading home and having a healthy meal, taking a hot bath and getting plenty of restful sleep.
I was still hungry so I thought 'please, just wait a few minutes.'
I felt defensive.
ive been working hard on my fitness lately and feeling amazing. i feel triumphant and positive about the changes i am making to my body. Sometimes I eat more than I would like and sometimes I make poor food choices. Sometimes I miss two days in a row working out. Sometimes I go out and have a drink....or two or three.
But most of the time, my habits are in alignment with my goals of achieving the level of fitness I desire.
Yesterday I had another successful day of goal oriented eating. My workout was strong and intense and I felt great and was looking forward to heading home and having a healthy meal, taking a hot bath and getting plenty of restful sleep.
I went home and packaged up my meals for the next day. While I was doing so, I got a bit lazy with having dinner - even though I pre-made everything a few days prior. I grabbed half a piece of pumpernickel bread, spread a conservative serving of natural peanut butter over it and topped it with a few spoonfuls of cottage cheese.
It was so good!
So I grabbed the other half of the piece of pumpernickel I left, smothered it in peanut butter and topped with a few more spoonfuls of cottage cheese.
I was still hungry so I thought 'please, just wait a few minutes.'
I left the kitchen and went to run my bath, At that moment of being in the bathroom, that voice grabbed my shoulders and shook me. It caught me off guard and I felt stunned and warm. My skin felt damp and my head spun.
Um...Why did you eat all that?
I felt defensive.
- I needed the calories.
But you've been working so hard!
- And I've been hungry because I have been working so consistently.
You're going to get so fat now.
- One meal is not going to make me fat.
But your eating hasn't been perfect this week.
- It's been close.
Fatty fatty fatty!
- Stop it...I am NOT fat!
Yes you are. You'll never see your abs again. And you were starting to see them. Now your stomach is going to stick out and look pregnant. You just bought new pants because you've gone down a few sizes. Well, you just went up again like you always do.
- I will drink plenty of water tomorrow.
That won't do anything. Just get rid of it, no one will have to know.
- I'll know.
But you haven't in so long..just this once. You should!
- Hmmm.....I don't know.
C'mon! It'll come back out easily. And you can pretend like you never ate it. You want to keep getting leaner, right? Well, you never will if you keep slipping like that.
- Well....
Just fucking do it already!
I stood there feeling helpless, gripping the faucet on the sink as if to keep my balance from this overwhelming dialogue. I started to weigh the pros and cons of giving in. And five seconds of comparison snapped me back to who I am deep down.
- NO! Life has been good! And I feel great and am taking care of my body! And I work hard - and NO I do not even need to do extra cardio because of that meal. It was NOT a setback or a slipup - besides, it was my dinner anyway. It was a lazy dinner but it was dinner! I need the calories. It was low sugar, healthful foods and so what if I had - what - maybe 4 tablespoons of peanut butter. I don't even think I had that much! My eating for the entire day was perfect and my workouts are amazing. I will not entertain you as part of my life again! Life has been so rewarding without you!
Ok, ok relax! I am here to test you...to see if you're still weak. But I will catch you. This is not the last you'll hear from me. I promise I will come back,
- I know you will. Good!! Come back soon - please. Your presence only makes me resent you more. I don't need what you offer. You're NOT worth it!!
The inner dialogue can feel like a little demon inside urging you to do things that are not in your best interest. And sometimes it's tempting to give in. Especially when you wonder 'who will ever have to know?' But you will know. And only you will live with the regret or guilt of giving in to something that you thought you conquered. You can no longer claim having conquered this 'thing' in your life. And you go right back to where you started, when this was a problem in your life, thus continuing a cycle that you swore you broke free from.
Stand your ground. Stand up to yourself.