I've been making a conscious effort to keep my goals close and remind myself of them daily. I have placed a small card in my wallet that goes with me everywhere and have posted a note near my bed and on my fridge to remind me of what I am working to achieve.
At the top of every one of those lists is 'having clear and healthy vision.' That means doing whatever the hell it takes to tame the inflammation so I can start having the necessary surgeries that will hopefully restore eyesight. I am truly hopeful and optimistic.
I recently took one week off from training then went back for two days until becoming really sick and needing three more days off.
I haven't taken that much time away in a very long while.
After the first week off I felt like a big fatty and couldn't wait to train again. My mind was a mess.
As that week went on, I felt like I was looking in the mirror and seeing someone large and sometimes felt panicked that I was back-tracking on my progress. But my clothing felt the same. It still felt loose. I knew I wasn't gaining and if anything I was maintaining. But I just felt so chubby and not cute. I slowly began to realize I wasn't feeling negative over my physical appearance, but rather missing the energy and enthusiasm I had when I was working out hard and consistently. My energy levels during this week off dragged and my mind felt fuzzy. I didn't feel the same. Of course, I had more doctor appts than any sane person could handle and didn't expect to end up in the ER.....so I refused to be down about my low energy. Though it was too easy to cry. And I did plenty of that.
But being still, not training and attacking my health issues actually got me over some of the body dysmorphia. It permanently shifted my priorities.
I work HARD and I'll never stop. The physical goals will be achieved along the way just because of how I live my life - eating well and training hard. I want my body to be the best.....but to obsess to the point of delusion? Obsess over physical perfection? To be all or nothing? Not right now. My mind needs to be peaceful.
I was excited over the first day back to the gym after the week off. I wanted to go into HARD mode again - and set my alarm for morning cardio. But I had trouble getting out of bed to do it and so I didn't. I decided not to beat myself up - 'I can do it after weights in the evening,' which I did - hard. I know I needed to not wrestle myself.
I need peace.
I felt a definite shift. I look in the mirror and see a strong woman. a strong woman who has been thrown slightly off course but whose internal compass is sharp and ready to navigate rough seas.
It's been very rough. But it's made me hungrier.
I now understand what's truly important in life. HEALTH. My health comes first. It sounds cliche and many people may say "DUH." but for the longest time I put off treatments and warnings and considered myself invincible, saying "that wont happen to me." It is happening but I'm fighting to reverse this and stop further developments.
I want clear vision more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.
The awesome news from the Rheumatologist is that the results from my extensive blood work is normal - I don't have a possibly debilitating joint disease!!! Hearing that sparked an unexpected flow of HOPE. I had sworn that my inflamed joints and foggy eyes were correlated and was terrified that I would be diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I am grateful, and lucky.
My knee Xrays came back normal and so did my bone density scans.
All of this news created a placebo effect in my brain and my knees are feeling better. They feel sore sometimes and the joints still "crunch" but I'm not crippled over in pain the way I was last week. I feel like I can shift the focus off of achy joints.
My eyesight is not doing well right now but I'm visualizing again. I have to remind myself that when I focus on what IS, then there's no time to think about what ISN'T...including the WHAT IF's.
Living in the now....
At the top of every one of those lists is 'having clear and healthy vision.' That means doing whatever the hell it takes to tame the inflammation so I can start having the necessary surgeries that will hopefully restore eyesight. I am truly hopeful and optimistic.
I recently took one week off from training then went back for two days until becoming really sick and needing three more days off.
I haven't taken that much time away in a very long while.
After the first week off I felt like a big fatty and couldn't wait to train again. My mind was a mess.
As that week went on, I felt like I was looking in the mirror and seeing someone large and sometimes felt panicked that I was back-tracking on my progress. But my clothing felt the same. It still felt loose. I knew I wasn't gaining and if anything I was maintaining. But I just felt so chubby and not cute. I slowly began to realize I wasn't feeling negative over my physical appearance, but rather missing the energy and enthusiasm I had when I was working out hard and consistently. My energy levels during this week off dragged and my mind felt fuzzy. I didn't feel the same. Of course, I had more doctor appts than any sane person could handle and didn't expect to end up in the ER.....so I refused to be down about my low energy. Though it was too easy to cry. And I did plenty of that.
But being still, not training and attacking my health issues actually got me over some of the body dysmorphia. It permanently shifted my priorities.
I work HARD and I'll never stop. The physical goals will be achieved along the way just because of how I live my life - eating well and training hard. I want my body to be the best.....but to obsess to the point of delusion? Obsess over physical perfection? To be all or nothing? Not right now. My mind needs to be peaceful.
I was excited over the first day back to the gym after the week off. I wanted to go into HARD mode again - and set my alarm for morning cardio. But I had trouble getting out of bed to do it and so I didn't. I decided not to beat myself up - 'I can do it after weights in the evening,' which I did - hard. I know I needed to not wrestle myself.
I need peace.
I felt a definite shift. I look in the mirror and see a strong woman. a strong woman who has been thrown slightly off course but whose internal compass is sharp and ready to navigate rough seas.
It's been very rough. But it's made me hungrier.
I now understand what's truly important in life. HEALTH. My health comes first. It sounds cliche and many people may say "DUH." but for the longest time I put off treatments and warnings and considered myself invincible, saying "that wont happen to me." It is happening but I'm fighting to reverse this and stop further developments.
I want clear vision more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.
The awesome news from the Rheumatologist is that the results from my extensive blood work is normal - I don't have a possibly debilitating joint disease!!! Hearing that sparked an unexpected flow of HOPE. I had sworn that my inflamed joints and foggy eyes were correlated and was terrified that I would be diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I am grateful, and lucky.
My knee Xrays came back normal and so did my bone density scans.
All of this news created a placebo effect in my brain and my knees are feeling better. They feel sore sometimes and the joints still "crunch" but I'm not crippled over in pain the way I was last week. I feel like I can shift the focus off of achy joints.
My eyesight is not doing well right now but I'm visualizing again. I have to remind myself that when I focus on what IS, then there's no time to think about what ISN'T...including the WHAT IF's.
Living in the now....