Yesterday I had one of the most uncomfortable experiences with a doctor. And it really taught me a valuable lesson.
After receiving a referral from someone very close to me, I called the doctor and spoke over the phone about what I was seeking and he agreed he could help - particularly Allergy testing and an Immunological workup.
I arrived for my appointment yesterday at 2 and felt a bit off when I walked in. There were no other patients there - it didn't even look/smell/feel like a doctor's office. There were no nurses and the doctor had no staff - he processed my insurance info and did all admin tasks. There was even no receptionist (he always answers his own office phone). I kept an open mind because I trust the person who referred me.
The question and answer session was detailed - as in, 2 hours detailed. But I'm vulnerable about my condition and was open to hearing and talking through all possibilities. After 2 hours of answering his questions, he motioned for me to head into the exam room.
He locked the front door of the suite, and continually mentioned how he didn't want anyone to walk in. I absorbed everything he was saying to me, and suddenly it all hit me as feeling inappropriate. My skin felt flush. I couldn't think and became really anxious. My heart was racing and I couldn't speak.
On a dime, I turned from bubbly, talkative and engaging to mute. Silent. Warm to the touch and confused.
With a twisting and sinking gut feeling, it hit me hard that this person was not going to be the one to give me any of the answers I was seeking.
About 20 minutes into a basic exam with no end in sight I told him I needed to leave and go back to work. It was now 4.30. To avoid detail, he requested to continue with a particular part of the exam and I said "NO...I dont feel comfortable."
I left.....feeling embarrassed. I felt awful and felt like I trusted too easily.
Anyway, that's the last I will mention this. It felt so weird and so awkward.
What I learned through this, is that I am trying to play doctor. I am trying to be my own God.
A phrase rang through my head last night that I couldn't ignore.
Let Go....Let God.
Be patient and all things will happen in God's time. I need to trust in his plan for me through this and stop spinning myself in circles through a flurry of doctor appointments and research and handfuls of supplements and vitamins and anything that will make me feel like I am doing something. Perhaps right now I need to do nothing.
I have doctors. I have the best Opthamologist. I need to let him do his job. And I need to let go and let God do his, too. He will take this from me when I am ready to be without it. I am only prolonging my healing by keeping myself immersed in a medical process that is leaving me without answers. My grasp for control is tight. I am vulnerable. It's OK.
I've let go.
After receiving a referral from someone very close to me, I called the doctor and spoke over the phone about what I was seeking and he agreed he could help - particularly Allergy testing and an Immunological workup.
I arrived for my appointment yesterday at 2 and felt a bit off when I walked in. There were no other patients there - it didn't even look/smell/feel like a doctor's office. There were no nurses and the doctor had no staff - he processed my insurance info and did all admin tasks. There was even no receptionist (he always answers his own office phone). I kept an open mind because I trust the person who referred me.
The question and answer session was detailed - as in, 2 hours detailed. But I'm vulnerable about my condition and was open to hearing and talking through all possibilities. After 2 hours of answering his questions, he motioned for me to head into the exam room.
He locked the front door of the suite, and continually mentioned how he didn't want anyone to walk in. I absorbed everything he was saying to me, and suddenly it all hit me as feeling inappropriate. My skin felt flush. I couldn't think and became really anxious. My heart was racing and I couldn't speak.
On a dime, I turned from bubbly, talkative and engaging to mute. Silent. Warm to the touch and confused.
With a twisting and sinking gut feeling, it hit me hard that this person was not going to be the one to give me any of the answers I was seeking.
About 20 minutes into a basic exam with no end in sight I told him I needed to leave and go back to work. It was now 4.30. To avoid detail, he requested to continue with a particular part of the exam and I said "NO...I dont feel comfortable."
I left.....feeling embarrassed. I felt awful and felt like I trusted too easily.
Anyway, that's the last I will mention this. It felt so weird and so awkward.
What I learned through this, is that I am trying to play doctor. I am trying to be my own God.
A phrase rang through my head last night that I couldn't ignore.
Let Go....Let God.
Be patient and all things will happen in God's time. I need to trust in his plan for me through this and stop spinning myself in circles through a flurry of doctor appointments and research and handfuls of supplements and vitamins and anything that will make me feel like I am doing something. Perhaps right now I need to do nothing.
I have doctors. I have the best Opthamologist. I need to let him do his job. And I need to let go and let God do his, too. He will take this from me when I am ready to be without it. I am only prolonging my healing by keeping myself immersed in a medical process that is leaving me without answers. My grasp for control is tight. I am vulnerable. It's OK.
I've let go.