My rapid weight loss and self explosion into the fitness world surged a tidal wave that I was ecstatically riding upon until it crashed into the shore and left me gasping for air, trying to clear my lungs of salt water and regain strength from being tossed so carelessly. But while trying to be strong again and get up, my skin was being burnt from the hot sun that mercilessly beat upon me.
I never say that if I could go back I would. Because I wouldn't know the things that I know now, thus, how would I be the person that I am today?
I am passionate about others avoiding mistakes I have made in regard to the "fit" lifestyle and advise against anyone ever going from lifelong fat to competition prep. I do feel that there are emotional components to being overweight that take time to recover from, and there are also emotional components you must anticipate and be ready for as a competitor for both during preparation and life after show. If you haven't given yourself time to take care emotionally before jumping from one aspect to the other, you will end up in between and your emotional state will take a backseat until the vehicle smashes into a wall and your emotions hit the dashboard, or worse, completely crash through the wind shield. Mine crashed through the wind shield and it's taken a LONG time to recover.
Life being overweight, and not wanting to be, is tough. You constantly feed into messages you are receiving and absorbing from the entire world and end up always feeling that you are just not good enough to wear this....to date him....to be invited...to be picked.... In movies, on TV, in life...it seems the fat girl is the "funny one" with the sparkling personality. She's the one with the "pretty face..."
"Aw she has such a pretty face....if only..."
She's the eternal best friend and the butt of the joke. She's large and must be in charge....but inside she feels tiny and weak.
Life as a new competitor - being fearful and inexperienced - is tough. You obsessively compare yourself to other girls, not realizing that you're destroying your own self-esteem (what's left of it) but you swear you're always looking at fitness models because it's "motivating." You're in the gym, alone, at 11pm again on a Saturday night even though you were up at 5am to do cardio ("I must work harder than the competition"). You count the calories in a piece of gum...looking at pizza makes you angry. Jars of peanut butter fill you with hate. You pinch the fat on your hips and tummy and scrub your skin harshly to eliminate loose skin and stretch marks. You have to earn that pro card - you have to have a magazine cover, and a sponsorship and a facebook fan page with 10k likes....everyone will be inspired by you.
Only you're not your boyfriend's favorite person anymore and family and friends think you're a self absorbed bitch. Maybe you are. Maybe that's what you've become. But you tell yourself that they just don't understand the "lifestyle."
Entering the world of competition in this mindset will ensure an emotional disaster.
I now understand why so many stress sloooooooow weight loss if you're trying to prepare for a show. Even if the weight drops fast, you must allow your mind time to catch up to the physical changes if you wish to benefit from what's truly positive about competing.
I don't discredit hard work - I truly LIVED for my transformation and really worked hard. I wanted to feel amazing - and I did feel amazing!
I stepped on stage, didnt come close to placing but had the time of my life...
And when all these competitors can't stop generating excitement over their post show cheat meals, you can't help but get caught up too. Only, they don't tell you it should be only one or two meals then back to healthy habits. They don't tell you that it might be hard to stop binging - that you may start chewing gum obsessively or sweating when you think about food....
But after that show I felt like everyone needed to know who I was so I started gunning for exposure - and dammit, I got a sponsorship! It was very un-glamorous behind the scenes - toting an 80lb suitcase of samples through NYC busses and subways late at night going to busy gyms and being told by a personal trainer that I "need to lose weight and be skinny for the holidays." Then there was being followed by "fans" and drawing unwanted sexual attention....
But I was an athlete.
Wait, but maybe I'm actually just a demo girl....
Wait, but maybe I'm actually just a demo girl....
There's no payment and a tax mistake from their accounting department has me currently owing the IRS over 1,700 dollars, but it's what everyone wants, right? I needed a second bedroom for my monthly supplement shipments - awesome, right? Does anyone want 600 protein bars? Any takers? Anyone?
When my weight rebounded plus 40lbs, I trained for another show. But OH now I have these supplies and those protein bars are so yummy. And I have an unlimited supply....
When my weight rebounded plus 40lbs, I trained for another show. But OH now I have these supplies and those protein bars are so yummy. And I have an unlimited supply....
I set a date for that show to keep myself focused on the end result. My body was tired....mind was damaged. I made it to that stage a size 3/4 but never felt worse about myself.
Why?
I lost my mind along the way. I was so ultra focused on the physical end result that I did not take the time to be at peace with myself, internally. And I was trying to shove my way into a world that I knew little about. I thought I knew it well....but there was much I refused to see.
I look back at that girl and giggle - she's highly driven when she focuses. She transformed her body and was fueled by the many people who told her she couldnt do it. Oh that fiery spirit just cannot be tamed....
When I make the statement of 'wanting back'....it's always wanting back to the place of feeling and being at peace internally - being truly full of health and vibrance; of being in the place where you exist as you truly are and not as the person you may project to the rest of the world.
The stage was my glimmer of hope. It was a beacon upon which I desired to display optimal health prominently to remind myself of how hard I was capable of working to achieve exactly what I want in life.
It was my way of overcoming and my way of rejoicing. It was my positive and happy ending for a book in my life that seemed hopeless.
I was too green and I nearly drown but I'm wiser for the experience and excited, yet relaxed, about the way this journey continues.
If I could talk to that girl, I would tell her:
Never forget "why" you want what you do. Slow it down, and soak it in. Enjoy. Know your experience and how it is affecting you. Take it easy. Be good to yourself and be peaceful. You'll make it there. I promise.